Glimmer

~ Glimmer of a Memory ~

Anticipating Spring

I saw Spring sun pour into the living room this morning and thought of all the times John would see that as an invitation and suggest coffee by the front window.  He’d pull back the curtains, move the plant aside, bring the coffee pot and soak it in. Me. Not so much.  The chairs are not as comfortable at this small table and the sun would come and go.  I’d wonder, was it worth the extra fuss, yet would enjoy. Conversing as we always did -  the incidental talk of long lived love. A little foretaste of summer coffee on the front porch.  Enjoying the street activity - people running, walking by. The bikes. The dogs. All of us anticipating spring.

So here I am. Curtains back. Looking at the corner and yards still full of twigs, winter debris newly revealed by the just melted snow.  It’s cold again today with sun popping in and out - not much, not enough to warm, but enough to bring fond memory to the fore. Enough to put a bit of glimmer in my day.  I can almost hear him whistling in the kitchen.  

JoMae

3/16/19

Quilting New Blossoms

Quilt by Judy Spoelhof

~ Quilting New Blossoms ~

Quilting new blossoms out of old goods

a childhood garment, a maternity top

his gardening pants, a favorite tie

cut into petals to flower again

a collection of memories

to show in one glance

old years well loved

new life enhanced

JoMae

3/5/19

On Grief

~ Death ~

Two things happen when your spouse dies.

No three - for you die too. The you you knew 

is forever gone. The ‘half of a whole' you has

evaporated leaving you in limbo. Half buried

half struggling to sort out what life remains

in mourning both lost love and lost identity

we wonder, who am i - now on my own?

Where do i fit in as me, no longer we?

So. First the death. Next the limbo. And finally

a sprouting bud left hidden in the soil of loss

striving to heal death’s damage, sparked by

some small familiar joy, emerges - gaining

strength, transforming old life-giving cells

to bring forth a vibrant, living blossom

A New You

~ Life ~

JoMae
1/31/19

Entering another year of being on my own, still settling into who I am in this vulnerable new normal, I do see hopeful patterns and a small spark of life. I share this to offer hope to those recently widowed and in recognition to those of us gradually emerging from death’s dark valley.  

Enough

~ ENOUGH ~

‘ENOUGH’ has become my mantra

Enough! I tell myself when the gloomies wander in

when quiet is too quiet and telephones don’t ring

I look up from the novel I’m so deeply burrowed

in and remind myself I can’t have everything

but what I do have is enough

When memories remind me of all that is now lost

I look around in comfort and recall, I have enough

If sadness creeps and solitude leans to the edge of lonely

I think of those with little and am thankful
I have enough

I may wish for what once was yet can no longer be

I may reach for all that blossomed in the past

yet reaching, see a bud - soft and full of life

I watch as day by day she quietly unfolds

I'll nurture her

rejoicing in the beauty of her blossom

I've learned the past is gone

the present a new gift to open

I know it is enough

JoMae

2/14/19

Valentine Bouquet

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Gladiolas for the Bride

To family and friends on this Valentines Day -

This old Rodgers and Hammerstein tune from From ’The King and I’ keeps singing in my head today, so I’ll pass it on with my good wishes for a happy year filled with lotza love!  Enjoy!

~HELLO YOUNG LOVERS~

Hello young lovers, whoever you are,

I hope your troubles are few.

All my good wishes go with you tonight,

I've been in love like you.

Be brave, young lovers, and follow your star,

Be brave and faithful and true,

Cling very close to each other tonight.

I've been in love like you.

I know how it feels to have wings on your heels,

And to fly down the street in a trance.

You fly down a street on the chance that you meet,

And you meet -- not really by chance.

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do,

Don't cry because I'm alone;

All of my memories are happy tonight,

I've had a love of my own.

I've had a love of my own, like yours-

I've had a love of my own.

John & JoMae 8/29/1959

Bittersweet Conundrum

Balance ~ Artist: Nancy Spoelhof  

John’s lovely entry to our yard, graced by Nancy’s sculpture

Bittersweet Conundrum

This chapter in my life has become a quest for balance. It seems everything I ponder holds at least two realities. Often opposites. Views that cancel out each other - each containing truths that cannot both be true. I live in paradox. Loving the silence yet grieving the voice that has gone mute. Vaguely wishing for an interruption in my day, yet not eager to be distracted from the project I’m now invested in - work which gives my hours purpose and keeps me happily alive and doing well within the dislocation of this mystery.   
~JoMae 2/12/19 ...Thankful, though feeling slightly guilty for being so content with solitude!

John’s hand crafted fence is gone now. Lost in a fierce windstorm a couple years ago. Glad to say, ‘Balance’ survived and continues to remind me of its message. I do treasure this piece! 

Balance ~ Artist: Nancy Spoelhof 

Lost-Found

~ LOST ~

At first life is surreal

the rhythm of my day is gone

hours run together without check

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Years later, I seem to function well

although still unsure of who

I am to be, apart from you

I’ve shrunk yet grown both 

weak and stronger - undulating

waves of being bring me through

kicking and screaming to the other

side of loss. To hard questions and 

the joyful confidence to face them

Your chatterbox has died, my dear.

Tho words still pour out profusely

they now form a black on white

paper trail of crumbs to guide

my way - and perhaps help

another facing death

I wonder if you’d recognize the me

I have become. Hope you wouldn’t mind

my writing of our love with meaning newly

~ FOUND ~

JoMae

2/2/19 

Left Behind

Waiting Gifts

~Left Behind~

I’d  hoped not to be the partner left behind

left without you, without the me I knew

left alone to start anew or die within

I did not know that grief could hit

rock bottom then rise again to

surface in a present rich with

deeper understanding, new 

eyes, fresh beginnings

New Life - New Me

Dear Heart - I wonder, had I died first and 

you’d been left behind to find the gift of

new beginnings, what would you have

wrought with it? The very thought a

challenge to do my utmost with

this gift I have been handed

this rich new opportunity

to think, discover and

To Live

JoMae

1/26/19

Year three, and I am learning to see this new phase of my life, this new chapter, as a gift, an opportunity I’d never have known had I died first.  A present to carefully open and enter with quiet anticipation. A faint echo of the day when death takes me home to the new life joyfully awaiting there.

To Bloom Again

~ You Can Bloom Again ~

I’m surprised to hear myself say this

but while I did not choose it, I’ve

learned to love this solitary life

become accustomed to its

smile, its patience with

my ways, its song, its 

silence and its

listening ear

I love the contemplative hours

in which to ponder all the

questions of my days

the gains the loss

the meaning

of it all

The precipice, the void, the fear

the Grace to face life head on

dive down deep  yet surface

fully alive, breathing in this

strange foreign widow land

where  silent  intimidating

emptiness can transform

as blessed serenity able

to nourish one's soul

feed your spirit and

cultivate your soil

so that you can

Bloom Again 

JoMae

1/18/19

A word for widowed friends today. With thanks to those of you who’ve taught and modeled much for me - and hope for those of us still learning the language and customs of this foreign world called Widow Land.  

Just as we cannot look into the mystery surrounding our loved ones who have died, we cannot know ahead of our arrival, the mystery and puzzling culture awaiting our new life after being widowed.

Ravaged Linden Tree

Photo by Judy Spoelhof

Ravaged Linden Tree

Barren limbs angled sharply like many broken arms

askew and dangling against a sombre sky with  

just a few large leaves still hanging on. A

lightening silhouette of who you were

yet softened by the echo of a

Rainbow

Faint rainbow of the Linden Tree

ravaged by the storm, left

bowed and broken

raw limbs awry

May we learn to see your promise

begin to understand its hope

know to bud anew and be

Reborn

JoMae

10/22/18

An effort to capture a photo verbally
- inspired while reading

Tell it Slant by Brenda Miller

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3/27/19
First Leaf on the Linden Tree

Photo by Judy Spoelhof