November 25, 2019

Morning Thanks


~ Morning Thanks ~

Good morning dear MotherFather Godde.
Thank you for walking with me again this day.
Please guide my way, my actions, work and play 
grant wisdom in my thoughts and all I say
all this I pray in Jesus’ name
Amen

JoMae
11/25/19

This morning something prompted me to notice that the prayer of a Christian asking Godde to be with them each day might also be framed as a thank you. We who believe and trust already, know Christ’s presence is always with us. (Even though we are apt to mindlessly take it for granted far too often.)  

I’m thinking that ask is akin to a child daily requesting her mother to be her mother - asking for something that is already a fact. So I’m changing my prayer. I know Christ’s Presence is with me always.  Even when I’m prone to wander or forget; fail to honor that reality, Christ’s Grace is holding me. Through marvelous moments or unthinkable misery - and I am deeply thankful.  

November 18, 2019

Widowed


John & JoMae 8/29/1959

~ Widowed ~
Grief is a huge transition
the loss of all familiar patterns
in one’s life - the universe has shifted
you feel oddly out of place without your love
for half of you is missing, one shoe has fallen off

Grief is also metamorphosis
a long slow patient process while
the butterfly is forming - while seeds of
life are sprouting preparing buds to flower
watch  notice  trust - new life will form in you

Trust the seed within a tragedy
buried in unexpected change that
devastates  and lays you low - please
know this, deep sparks will quietly emerge
first unseen, their glow will one day blossom in
New Life

JoMae
11/18/19

Sharing what I’ve learned so far as I consider the next leg of this journey. Soon it will be three years since John died. I am so thankful for the blessing these quiet solitary days (at first so strange and unbearable) have become.  Somehow, since that awful day, my lifelong haphazard hobby of journaling began to pour out in a new rhythm. I find great comfort and joy in the writing. Waking each day eager to know what will come.

Then, if it feels right to me, I post with a prayer that perhaps my words will bring courage to someone. ‘Casting bread upon the waters,’ as a friend said long ago of her own work.  

So here are the words that came knocking this morning - distracting me from what I was reading, demanding to be written down.  Enjoy!

November 14, 2019

Autumn Snow


11/13/19

~ Early Autumn Snow Storm ~

dead leaves are falling on the snow
a pristine white quilt has lost its glow
smudged in early dusk of late afternoon

reminding that tomorrow’s wished for thaw
will bear with it a mess before its wintry claw
releases to return a sense of order to our world 

JoMae
11/14/19

My large viburnum, still holding their leaves, are bent way over - noses in the snow. 

November 11, 2019

Looking Back


~ Looking Back ~ 
A Free Write on Loss and Moving On

As I approach the three year mark of John’s death, I find myself assessingg more closely where I am - as I’ve done each year.  Evaluating what I’ve learned and being thankful for whatever progress has been made.

Today I noticed that each morning lately, as I walk into the living room to crawl into my laptop and get to work, I go to the window and draw back the sheers. I enjoy taking in the street activity without the blurring of the curtains. I’m still barely visible as my chair is tucked in a corner well back in the room.  I see it as a sign of progress in becoming comfortable in my new identity,  my new normal.

The first year, still in shock I now think, I flew alone to California and enjoyed two road trips on my own - all to visit family. All the while wrestling with a million questions, thoughts and feelings, yet determined to accept what I could not change, find my way and do it well - to honor the long marriage so much of my self is rooted in.  

Year two brought a health set back, now remedied, which curtailed all travel and emphasized the ache of doing life without my love. In it, my ‘I can do this’ bubble burst and has never returned in the same way. I haven’t ventured far on my own since.  I became even more than before, a reclusive hermit.  Happy enough and thankful, yet extremely uncomfortable and self-conscious in unfamiliar (and especially old familiar) situations. All the world felt unfamiliar - even the warm familiar of our old home became a silent void of what once was.

Year three I found it easier to be seen. I re-discovered my beautiful front porch and spent long summer hours out there with my books and writing. Offering a smile to passers by if and when I’d catch their eye.  One young man once stopped to mention he had a laptop like mine and loved it.  Later in the summer he stopped again to say he’d miss me - he was moving, joining the girl he loved. I said goodbye and wished him well. A few visitors from the nearby B&B stopped to say hello, and neighbors with their dogs would nod.  I guess I was the old lady on the porch who’d smile and wave back at you!  I no longer felt conspicuous, rather a small part of the community.

So now I observe from indoors. With the curtains open, people passing are no longer fuzzy shadows walking by and I enjoy a clearer focus on my world. I wonder if they notice this small change. Not small to me, it marks a comfort level with my own sense of becoming complete again. Different. Not the old me. Rather, the ‘comfortable in my new skin’ me.  More ready to interact and meet new situations with less angst.  

Each year I find I'm more ready to leave the old wrapped gently in it’s place to visit, meet new friends and form a new familiar. I wonder what year four will bring. One day I’ll have to leave this old home I love, we loved.  I think I will be ready when the time is right. Meanwhile I’ll watch the world go by with this new identity I am adapting to.  Today there are few folks out on the sidewalk and those are bundled warmly against an early frigid snowfall.  The day is dark and snow is falling although most trees still hold their leaves, now laden heavily, their limbs as well all coated white - as soon our whole world will be. 

And I’m inside and warm. Stocked with all I need. At peace with myself and thankful to Godde,  I've become a Happy Hermit!  So blessed.

JoMae
11/11/19 

Fond thoughts and memories today of my dear Aunt Jo,  born 11/11/11 - my namesake. Josephine (although my dad thought it too long a handle and I’ve been JoMae all my life)

November 10, 2019

Complete Again


~ On Being Complete Again ~

After many years with a soulmate
one feels incomplete out of sync 
and disconnected being solo
until with patient healing
life feels whole again
different, yet whole
NEW
Complete in one’s self
finally  integrated  again
fitting in, new connections
new ways with new interests
a different you, different whole

A Whole New You
Yet Rooted In Old Love

JoMae
11/9/19
As new  insights continue to blossom, I like to share them along the way - to celebrate the gift and to offer hope to those still devastated today.  I couldn’t have imagined on that devastating day almost three years ago that I’d ever feel complete again.  I am so very thankful.  Enjoy!

November 08, 2019

Love's Light


A little morning prayer to share today. With thanks for the sunshine pouring in the window - warming the heart on this freezing Autumn day.  Enjoy!

~ Love’s Light ~

Godde your love lights up each day
pouring a gentle joy upon our way
guiding my feet so prone to stray
bringing me home to safely stay

Your light surmounts  all darkness
shining love with clarifying grace
guide my words  O Word, I pray
may they bless one heart today
Amen

JoMae
11/8/19