From Both Sides Now

DOUBLE VISION

I see the world from both sides now

the dream the dance

the final bow

I see the inside out of life

as grief wraps tight around me -

 blankets me with memories of laughter

I hear the silence screaming out

the void, the empty chairs

where quiet conversation was the norm.

the look, the sigh, the grin is gone

the whistling is dead

hollowness abounds

I feel the shift of weight upon my shoulders

which once, resting upon two,  

was shared with joy.  

I move through vacant rooms

and see you there

without the music, hear your song 

I fix a meal and eat

uninterrupted by the sound of

your companionship

the everyday comments

often about nothing

yet everything to me - now gone

<><><><><>

before I gave birth 

I could not imagine the experience of that 

separation of two beings out of one

either the birthing or the

life that followed as a mom

- so full of joy

before knowing the death of one truly half of me

I couldn't fathom an experience so profound

as the separation of the two of us

either the immediate loss or the

learning to walk on my own

so full of grief

~~~~~

yet tempered by the 
healing mystery of 
GRACE

JoMae 

4/24/17

Road Trip Reflections

Debriefing the Road Trip

Seismic upheaval; small subtle change 

Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference

ROAD TRIP - WE

We always loved our road trips

Whether a thousand miles or just a few

We loved to drive and watch the seasons change

To get away for an afternoon, a day, a week or more

He loved to find wide open sky with clouds to celebrate

I, the lakes in Spring before the leaves unfurled to hide them

His preference was beautiful classical music - especially piano

Mine was folk or PBS talk radio

We shared.  The radio, the driving, our preferences,

While pointing out gorgeous clouds or scenery

He loved Savannah and other old cities to explore

I often chose a balcony or a park bench to wait 

and people watch or read til he returned

We both loved the quiet companionship of our rides

Miles rolled by as each travelled deep into our own thoughts

We loved those long days together

Away from our routine

WE LOVED OUR LIFE TOGETHER

————

ROAD TRIP - ME

I wanted to try it.  Felt reasonably sure I could do it.

Yet wondered if the familiar would be empty without his company

I’ve always loved to drive, so decided to plan carefully

Then get into the car and go

I loved it!  Loved moving through the blush of green as Spring awoke

As trees brought forth still tiny leaves and new born flowers added color 

Almost felt guilty to enjoy it so much.  But enjoy it I did

Felt calm and centered; strong and ‘together’

No sense of being scattered or lost or unsure.

John wasn’t there, yet our patterns were

Coffee in the thermos.  Talk radio the whole day 

A motel reserved at the halfway mark

And at the finish line, family waiting

To warmly welcome me.  

It felt good.  I felt safe.  I felt competent

Yet, I pondered, how could I enjoy this so much without him?

Until I understood it wasn’t a comparison of this way or that

These trips were apples and oranges

If I had a chance to go back and travel with John again,

That would be wonderful.  I would enjoy every minute

But now I am traveling alone 

and so thankful for the joy I find in it!

I loved the solitude!  Of being in control! 

Even of owning the radio!  

New and yet not new. 

  Informed by many years of traveling together

I’m so glad to discover that road trips are still in my future

And there is no need to be afraid. 

I can be good company to me

I AM ABLE TO  LOVE MY LIFE ALONE

JoMae

5/2/17