After a wonderful weekend with guests, Monday was empty and perfect for regrouping. Tuesday was a rare gorgeous Spring day with my grandson who came to help clean up the yard - followed by a fun zoom with widowed friends in the evening. Wednesday was loose with a long wonderful phone call scheduled in the afternoon. But today, nothing is scheduled. I love a totally open ended day like this when it happens. I often spend much of it writing. It feels extra indulgent in my already indulgent life with no one to be responsible for but myself.
So I wonder why I woke this morning knowing I’d just been walking in a huge lake - or perhaps it was the ocean. Not dressed for swimming. Just in shorts and summer top. I’d been sitting on the sand in the sun and simply decided to get up and walk out into the shallow water. Then finally, when up to my waist, quietly turned around and walked back to the shore. I don’t know if I was alone or with others - or who those others may have been. I was simply enjoying myself.
For 5 years now I’ve been having quiet days alone. Adjusting to suddenly being on my own. Thankful for my home and all the memories captured here. For my family. Yet without John there is always the ache for what was so long familiar - now severed. The camaraderie of long lived love.
My main occupation now is to read and write. In need of having a purpose in my life, (this chapter where for the first time in all my days, absolutely no one needs me or depends on me for anything) I study and ponder a great deal - which occupies most of my time. Not only does no one need me, I have not found a niche in which to do for others in a meaningful way. A nudge to participate in the give and take of what was once daily living. I do participate in zoom gatherings a few times a week. Also in phone calls, texts etc with my kids. But I think I’m past the time for me to go out to volunteer. At 84, no longer driving, and not steady on my feet, I don’t see much that I could do.
I rarely watch tv or movies. But this week, for some reason, I’ve craved escaping into a film - and have watched one Prime Movie each day or evening. Pure escape. Often silly. Totally non purposeful. I don’t know how long that yen will continue. Nor what switched in my mind that something once deemed frivolous and unattractive suddenly has become a delightful escape!
Perhaps it is connected to other changes I am working toward. Within a year (I hope) I will be leaving the warm blanket of this old home where we/I have lived almost 45 years - and downsizing to an apartment in a Sr Living Community. While I am comfortable here, I’ve become quite isolated and find myself more than ready all of a sudden to be in community again. A place where I can physically participate in as many or few activities as I please, yet be self sufficient in my own apartment. I’m quite excited at the prospect.
After so many years of being active in one group or another, the mainstay of which has always been our church, death, and then the pandemic - along with aging, has effectively put an end to all of that. My group contacts are mostly via zoom now and I guess I’m suddenly ready for more. I’m not looking for a bosom buddy, but I do hope to make a few friends in my new place. It does seem to be a friendly climate. When I have toured or visited, the people tend to smile when passing in the halls with a pleasant hello.
Here in my neighborhood of large old city homes - most of which are now apartments, even after all these years, strangely, I don’t know most neighbors. We used to take frequent evening walks. Now I cannot do that - nor do I care to by myself. In the summer I often work on the front porch and nod a warm hello to folks walking by who might catch my eye. Some may even be familiar, but I don’t know them. I’m hoping to get to know a few people at the Meadows.
So back to the young woman in my dream. She is confident, happy and content. As she walked deeper into the water, she was tempted to dive in and swim but it had been so long she wasn’t sure she still knew how to swim, (nor, she thought, was she prepared with a towel) so continued enjoying her wet walk.
Perhaps she is a reflection of the woman I am today. Sticking to what she is confident about, yet moving forward with joyful anticipation. A bit cautious yet eager to try something new.
JoMae
4/7/22
