Our 60th

Love for a Lifetime
August 29, 1959

~ New Skin New Self ~

  (notes on my journey)

No. We didn’t reach our 60th anniversary, yet its date has transformed into a positive landmark on my journey. As the day approached, two an a half years after John’s death, it loomed like an ever enlarging spectre the closer it came. All summer I wondered how I would endure those hours. I’d survived many special days since becoming a widow, yet this one haunted disproportionally. Bringing with it a melancholy shadow floating just beneath the surface of an otherwise amazing summer.

About a week before the dreaded day however, I realized I was simply sick of dwelling on it - of letting a cloud so permeate my days. Something had to change. I decided to instead, try focusing more deliberately on others, to listen and watch for small opportunities to show interest and caring. That small shift in focus seemed to break down some barrier. By the time that monumental anniversary arrived, the shadow had faded to the extent Iwas truly able to quietly enjoy the day.

I’m finally beginning to feel whole again in a way I hadn’t been able to achieve since losing half of my identity. I feel more centered and able. Like I have come home - am finally coming to be at home with my new self. In the ups and downs of grief, I know more downs will surface. I know the joyful ups will follow too.

Our 60th now stands not only as a touch stone to commemorate the wonderful chapter of our long marriage, it also marks a turning point in my quest to discover who I am without John by my side. I’ve shed old skin and now know I am able to fit well into the still tender, still emerging new.

JoMae

9/14/19