On Grief

~ Death ~

Two things happen when your spouse dies.

No three - for you die too. The you you knew 

is forever gone. The ‘half of a whole' you has

evaporated leaving you in limbo. Half buried

half struggling to sort out what life remains

in mourning both lost love and lost identity

we wonder, who am i - now on my own?

Where do i fit in as me, no longer we?

So. First the death. Next the limbo. And finally

a sprouting bud left hidden in the soil of loss

striving to heal death’s damage, sparked by

some small familiar joy, emerges - gaining

strength, transforming old life-giving cells

to bring forth a vibrant, living blossom

A New You

~ Life ~

JoMae
1/31/19

Entering another year of being on my own, still settling into who I am in this vulnerable new normal, I do see hopeful patterns and a small spark of life. I share this to offer hope to those recently widowed and in recognition to those of us gradually emerging from death’s dark valley.  

Enough

~ ENOUGH ~

‘ENOUGH’ has become my mantra

Enough! I tell myself when the gloomies wander in

when quiet is too quiet and telephones don’t ring

I look up from the novel I’m so deeply burrowed

in and remind myself I can’t have everything

but what I do have is enough

When memories remind me of all that is now lost

I look around in comfort and recall, I have enough

If sadness creeps and solitude leans to the edge of lonely

I think of those with little and am thankful
I have enough

I may wish for what once was yet can no longer be

I may reach for all that blossomed in the past

yet reaching, see a bud - soft and full of life

I watch as day by day she quietly unfolds

I'll nurture her

rejoicing in the beauty of her blossom

I've learned the past is gone

the present a new gift to open

I know it is enough

JoMae

2/14/19

Valentine Bouquet

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY

Gladiolas for the Bride

To family and friends on this Valentines Day -

This old Rodgers and Hammerstein tune from From ’The King and I’ keeps singing in my head today, so I’ll pass it on with my good wishes for a happy year filled with lotza love!  Enjoy!

~HELLO YOUNG LOVERS~

Hello young lovers, whoever you are,

I hope your troubles are few.

All my good wishes go with you tonight,

I've been in love like you.

Be brave, young lovers, and follow your star,

Be brave and faithful and true,

Cling very close to each other tonight.

I've been in love like you.

I know how it feels to have wings on your heels,

And to fly down the street in a trance.

You fly down a street on the chance that you meet,

And you meet -- not really by chance.

Don't cry young lovers, whatever you do,

Don't cry because I'm alone;

All of my memories are happy tonight,

I've had a love of my own.

I've had a love of my own, like yours-

I've had a love of my own.

John & JoMae 8/29/1959

Bittersweet Conundrum

Balance ~ Artist: Nancy Spoelhof  

John’s lovely entry to our yard, graced by Nancy’s sculpture

Bittersweet Conundrum

This chapter in my life has become a quest for balance. It seems everything I ponder holds at least two realities. Often opposites. Views that cancel out each other - each containing truths that cannot both be true. I live in paradox. Loving the silence yet grieving the voice that has gone mute. Vaguely wishing for an interruption in my day, yet not eager to be distracted from the project I’m now invested in - work which gives my hours purpose and keeps me happily alive and doing well within the dislocation of this mystery.   
~JoMae 2/12/19 ...Thankful, though feeling slightly guilty for being so content with solitude!

John’s hand crafted fence is gone now. Lost in a fierce windstorm a couple years ago. Glad to say, ‘Balance’ survived and continues to remind me of its message. I do treasure this piece! 

Balance ~ Artist: Nancy Spoelhof 

Lost-Found

~ LOST ~

At first life is surreal

the rhythm of my day is gone

hours run together without check

<><><><>

Years later, I seem to function well

although still unsure of who

I am to be, apart from you

I’ve shrunk yet grown both 

weak and stronger - undulating

waves of being bring me through

kicking and screaming to the other

side of loss. To hard questions and 

the joyful confidence to face them

Your chatterbox has died, my dear.

Tho words still pour out profusely

they now form a black on white

paper trail of crumbs to guide

my way - and perhaps help

another facing death

I wonder if you’d recognize the me

I have become. Hope you wouldn’t mind

my writing of our love with meaning newly

~ FOUND ~

JoMae

2/2/19