New Seeds

John's Spring Garden

New Seeds in the Garden - A Reflection on Healing

Most of us who have lost a spouse or experienced some other untimely loss, deeply understand the pain, the impenetrable emptiness, the visceral reality of absence.  Death leaves a shocking void which can never be filled and will always mark a line dividing after from before.  

I know that many of you have been on this road before me. I know each tale of grief and healing is unique and moves at a different pace and direction. I have learned much from experiences shared by others. Here is a small glimpse of mine. 

With Godde’s help, I am finding that the void can be molded, transformed into a platform, a garden, if you will, for finding new happiness in life.  For building the ‘after’ you.  For discovering and identifying the person you will now become - after the loss of one so much a part of you.  When  John died, half of me was gone, the rest of me was deeply wounded - floundering and wondering who I would now be after this paradigm shift in my life.  

By Grace, the silence of our empty house, at first so ominous and heavy, became a haven for the hobby I delighted in and for years had diligently carved out time for. The way John loved his garden and his woodworking, I love to write. That is where I’ve always turned to sort life out. So, now given endless time and silent space, I crawled into my words and began to find myself again.  

Losing myself for hours at the keyboard, wrestling with this new reality, reflecting on my world, I soon discovered to my surprise that I was beginning to feel content. I felt comforted, found a sense of purpose, developed new interests. What had seemed impossible became a blessing. Not the blessing I had wanted, but a true blessing none the less.  

Today, embraced by memories, the home we formed together, the love of friends and family, and mindful of Godde’s hand holding me, I am deeply thankful. 

Then too, it’s Spring!  And even in the Autumn of my life, I’m looking at new beginnings - even as I am immersed in the joy of an old familiar hobby where I will continue writing my way toward more healing and discovery.  

This Spring I’ve reached a bit into John’s beloved garden, whose beauty I’ve mostly enjoyed from the porch all these years. It was his palette, his design.  As I clean it up and dig a little, I see him there and think of things to write and say. His heart was there - and mine. 

Dear heart, I’ll meet you in  the garden.

JoMae

5/3/18