MY NEW NORMAL
Most mornings after breakfast, I settle in my chair, open my laptop and think, read and write for a few hours. I might not step outdoors for almost a week if I don’t need to run to the store. All the while feeling slightly embarrassed about it, slightly guilty, sort of a concern that others, if they were aware, would think there is something wrong with me. Wondering, what would people, my own kids, think if they knew how truly I am hibernating here. As if this is something I must explain or make excuses for. As if this hibernation is abnormal. I know it will not always be this way, and yes it is abnormal - from what life was 7 months ago before John died. But for now it is my normal. And it is OK.
This now is my day. My work. My purpose. My joy. I can send away that ‘shoulds’ monkey on my shoulder and embrace this abundant time of quiet I have for healing and for writing. I can drop the apologetic stance and mindset I’ve been carrying around inside of me. It feels like a sigh of relief! It is OK! This is who I am. I will embrace this new routine and gradually modify it over time. I might even go outdoors and read in the sun for a while this afternoon!
JoMae
7/19/17
1 comment:
I shared this with a list for widows and am surprised to see the outpouring from women who say their experience echoed mine. That they too prefer to hunker down in their own home and stay away from crowds while adjusting to their loss. Some for years. I never knew! I learn so much from others who are also grieving. -JoMae
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