Valentine

~ My Valentine ~

Our love, wrapped close in memory

tucked deep inside my heart

 is always near

I'll dance alone with you within 

each word and smile - unseen

Our lives live on in me

JoMae

2/13/18

Solitude

John's Zinnias

~ A Silent Gift ~

At first a deafening horror

silence has become 

a soothing friend

I swim in its calm quiet

gather my thoughts

and address them

Like a seed tunneled in the earth

I've learned to grow in solitude -

to savor the warm wrap of it

to thrive in its rejuvenating power

prepared to flower once again

into the busyness of life

JoMae

2/11/18

Grief ~~

Bent Over Antidote 

Some days I feel bent over

unsure and weighted down

by grief until I reach inside

for the young woman within

and step into her agile skin

where I can stand tall again

JoMae

1/30/18

*My friend Mary Steensma captured Franz Metzner's evocative sculpture depicting grief in this drawing she sent with words of encouragement that inspired this poem.  Thanks again, Mary.

Grief - Franz Metzner Sculpture 

Mantle of Hugs

Mantle of Hugs

A mantle of hugs this home is to me.

wrapped softly on my shoulders

a shelter each and every day

It soothes the chill of fear

reminds my heart of joy

and hands me hope 

wrapped snug in

memories

JoMae
1/30/18

Winter Night

Winter Night Window

Sit here in the rocker in the dark a few minutes before you go to bed

enjoy the still silence of the night. The snow covering everything

the old oak, arms outstretched holding heavy loads of snow

people flow, walking their dogs even in the frigid air

street lights glow, white roads and sidewalks 

driveways plowed, yet painted white

a few last cars carefully crawl

 home respectful of the ice 

all is blanketed asleep

 not a breath stirs

The soothing quiet will ease into good sleep.

I’ll leave the curtain drawn aside tonight so the light can creep in early

 and brush its hand against my cheek to wake me 

then I might sit right here another while 

before I gently start my day

JoMae
1/16/18

Blizzard

 ~ Blizzard ~ 

You’d think I lived on a country 

path for all the traffic going by

Our city street pristine in white

its trees and shrubbery encased 

in heavy loads of fluff, tufts of

which blow by in windy gusts

 on this sub zero morning too  

quiet for an urban Saturday.

Cars at the curb almost 

invisibly blending with 

landscape all buried in 

Snow

JoMae

1/6/18

Melancholy Christmas

Christmas
Mourning
~

If

grief

empties 

your season

remember this: 

suffering at Christmas

serves also to remind us that 

in time, renewal follows devastation

healing happens

spring comes

new growth

New You

JoMae

12/23/17

Till Death Do Us Part

    
 ~~~Till Death Do Us Part~~~

As a couple ages, thoughts of death begin to enter the mind. One of us would likely be left behind some day. Although in decent health, we sometimes spoke of it. Quite often, actually. Yet in my heart of hearts I couldn’t go there. I could only see the impossibility of going on alone. I couldn’t imagine how I could survive—or want to—the loss of John.

We walked with Godde and knew that Divine Love and Grace would save us from despair when that day came. We lived with that trust and had experienced abundant blessing in our lives. Yet I froze in fear each time I’d try to think about it. To prepare. We were aging. John was sometimes frail.

And then it happened. John was suddenly gone. Stunned and in shock, surrounded by the love of family and friends, I soon realized I’d not fallen into some pit of despair. Christ’s Grace was there, preventing me from falling. Rather than a desperate sense of being buried alive, the loss of any will to live on, I somehow saw steps that needed to be taken. A farewell service to honor John had to be planned. One small purpose after another led me through each day. Looking back, I marvel with thanksgiving that, while Godde often pulls us out of pits, this time those Beloved hands held me from falling in.

Many, many have survived this path before me; we each have our stories. I guess my message is, don’t freeze in fear when you think about it. Christ’s Grace is sufficient and will guide you and give strength and confidence when sorrow comes. You can count on it. For that, I am eternally thankful. It is hard. I miss John, but it was like a miracle to be saved from falling apart, to land in Godde’s arms instead of in a pit.

It’s been more than seven months since John left this world. I often wonder what his new life is like. I imagine his spirit is full of joy and peace and purpose. I, too, find myself in a new world, on a new path. Everything has undergone a paradigm shift. Our home, so full of memories, is the same, yet his voice, his presence, is silent. Or I might say, his presence echoes in the silence. Even so, I am amazed to find joy and peace on this new journey, and even a fresh sense of purpose. For that, I praise Godde with thanksgiving.

We were an item, John and I, as are so many couples the world over. For almost sixty years, we wove a strong yet fragile shell around us. It was a beautiful wrap even with its many flaws. We loved and respected each other, but perhaps the most important key to our long-lived love was that we basically accepted each other the way we were.

I once found a small wall hanging that said: “I want for you what you want for you.” That rather flimsy bit of cloth hung on the wall in our room for a long time, quietly reminding us, when angry or in disagreement, of a sense of balance governing our marriage. Our unspoken goal, in spite of being two very different people, was to put the other first. We often failed in all of this, only to soon find our way back into the warm harmony of our shell.

In later years, the children long grown, our individual threads became more interwoven, threading through and around each other so that when death suddenly took John, it was as if the fabric of our wrap had been ripped apart, forcing me to scramble to mend the brokenness and weave some kind of selvedge to my life, to form some kind of healthy separation so I could continue on alone, to form from the remnants of that broken shell a new security and confidence to move ahead.

Grace has taken on new meaning for me now

JoMae Spoelhof

6/15/17

In August of 2017 this piece was published on ViewPoint, a section of the CFT (Christian Feminism Today) website. 
https://eewc.com/til-death-do-us-part/ 

A Widow's Battle

~~~A Widow’s Battle~~~

Healing from the hidden wounds of loss,  I may 

look the same, behave the way I always have

yet inside I am broken knocked off center 

stunned and out of balance. Unfamiliar 

with who I am without my other half

No longer whole,   I am spinning 

physically,emotionally,socially

what once came naturally 

now seems unfamiliar 

Even with my ‘I’m doing really well’

mask/smile in place, I’m rattled 

even with my familiar friends

I’ve lost the art of casual 

 conversation and feel

 a miss fit socially

The missing pieces of my life

have left a shocking hole

that may not show, yet 

leaves me feeling 

self conscious

stressed out

unsettled

Healing, yet forever

analyzing what is going on 

searching how to understand and 

discover how to let my soul and body 

mend, how to rebuild a self that can be 

whole again - how to fill the gaps 

John left behind with new input 

of my own - new, yet ever 

tempered by the glad 

cells we formed 

together.

JoMae

9/2/17

Acceptance Band

~~ Moving On ~~

I have taken the mantle of love we wove together

wrapped it warm around my heart, anchored forever 

marked the moment to commemorate a clear beginning

and now cheerfully step into this fresh new season

this clean page, ready to write another chapter

centered, endeavoring to be whole again 

determined to find a healthy balance

eager to discover the music of

~~~ 2018 ~~~

JoMae

12/30/17