Bookwifery Challenge

Five Day Challenge on my book idea re Reflections on Loss~

John's Garden in Glass
~an icon of love~

The following pieces first appeared on Instagram responding to a #bookwiferyvisibilitychallenge to answer five questions when considering a potential book idea. Exploring the possibility this way helps clarify goals. 

Day 1 - Name Your Message

My message is to bring insight about grieving both to those who have lost recently and are walking through it for the first time and to those who have friends and family who are mourning loved ones.  To share insights into loss one can only learn by walking in those shoes.  To give a glimpse of small moments that show both the hopeless sense of emptiness and absence as well as the glimmers of new that sprout up from this dark place.  To let people see examples of hope, of unwanted gifts which emerge out of the pain of loss.  To help others see that it is possible to accept those ‘unchosen gifts’ and flourish in embracing them.  To show examples that yes, horrible as this is, some good can come out of the sadness.  One can live on.  Grief can be transformed through the unforgotten love it is rooted in. 

Day 2 - NameWhy It Matters

I believe my message matters because when a loved one dies, we who remain find ourselves in uncharted waters, feeling stunned and lost and in need of finding a new identity. New relationships in a once familiar world.  New balance. It will take much time and healing to be centered again. During this time of adjustment and transition to finding your new self, the voices of those who have walked in your shoes will be invaluable. Their words can be both touch stone and guide through this new terrain. Yet in the shock of loss, one may find it difficult to focus, to absorb long articles. I hope my short pieces will hold the hand of someone in deep mourning. I also hope the experience shared will help friends and family better understand the pain. 

Day 3 - Name Who It's For

Who am I writing for?  First of all, I wrote these pieces for myself.  They emerged from journaling my way to healing after losing John, my husband of 57 wonderful years.  Most of them came out in short poems which captured a moment of insight or reflection on this loss.  Also the hope and healing which often surprised me.  My hope is that these short reflections may be a touch stone for others encountering loss. For both the immediate loved one and friends/family wanting to better understand the many dimensions of loss. 

Loss of a loved one, deposits those left behind in a world of unknown territory. Suddenly we must learn to maneuver strange, confusing thoughts and terrain. Often we are left to translate well meant words that otherwise would hurt.  All the while knowing that before our own loss, we didn’t ‘get it’ either.

I know that at first, I was unable to focus long enough to tackle lengthy articles or blog posts on grief - which became valuable to me later. So maybe my pieces will hold the hands of those whose mourning is still raw, and bring comfort.

Day 4 - Name What You Wish They Knew

What I wish they knew, starts with what I wish I’d known. What I didn’t 'get' when my own Dad died. What I didn’t understand about what my Mom was going through.  The visceral reality of absence. The silence. The void.  Not that anyone else can fill that void, but the acknowledgement of it is so important. A call, card or text from time to time to check in to see how a grieving friend is doing and if they need anything, goes a long way - even if nothing is needed. It is comforting to be reminded you are not forgotten.

I wish I’d known how long the emptiness remains - even when life gets busy again and others think all must be back to some kind of normal. I wish I’d understood these things when Mom lost Dad and when other friends were mourning their losses. I wish I’d known to recognize that the smiles of early mourning are likely masks donned for stepping out, yet discarded behind closed doors.  I wish they knew how self-conscious many feel, not wanting pity. Preferring to stay inside instead. 

Before death comes for one we love, it’s almost impossible to imagine surviving such a blow. I wish I’d known, and others too, that as life goes on, unsought gifts slip in - not to replace the grief, the love you had, but to grow from it as you find your new identity without your beloved one. That out of the seeds of your buried love, you will blossom once again. 

I am so thankful that I had a hobby, in my case it is writing. Alone, now on my own, I let the solitude embrace me and dove into this thing I love to do. I lost myself in words to pass the hours and sort out the confusion. So I encourage others to consider what brought you joy before, whether cooking or music, knitting or gardening… - let yourself be lost in it as time allows. Dive deep. That too, is what I wish others who are grieving, know to do.  

Day 5 - Name How You Can Help

Perhaps I could help by offering thoughtful words in small bites meant to share the heart of one who has also grieved. Someone who has walked in their unfamiliar shoes and struggled with bereavement first hand. While each person’s reality is vastly different, I have found comfort in the insights gleaned from others who are grieving. From others who are members of this unchosen tribe into which we have all been pulled, kicking and screaming. I hope that sharing these vignettes of moments on my journey might hold someone’s hand by being the voice of another who has experienced a deep loss; might be a virtual listening ear to one who is grappling with the same questions and uncertainties I’ve had. 

JoMae
10/29/18