THAT HARD GOODBYE
I just read an article by a friend who reflects on many of the comments she and her husband encountered upon sharing their decision to adopt. It brought to mind the comments we would hear as foster parents years ago. A main one being: "I could never do that. I'd love the child too much to part with him/her." On a bad day that would really hurt! Did they think we loved the child any less than they would? Of course they didn't. Neither did they realize the implications of such comments.
The pain at parting is deeply felt by foster parents. Some goodbyes were bittersweet transitions to adoption, some were worrisome returns to weak family situations. We knew from the outset that the day would come, but as long as we had those children we loved them as our own. A mystery I guess. We were a bridge of sorts.
Besides the everyday family routines, our kids vacationed with us. Camping, visiting Grampa and Gramma, always with permission of course. And if that permission was denied by the birth parent, we faced hard decisions. One horrible moment stands out. We were heading to Michigan to camp and enjoy a family reunion. All of my siblings and lots of cousins would be there. Permission had been granted and the kids were all excited about the trip. The camper was already behind the suburban and everyone was in the car waiting for me. The phone rang. I wish I hadn't answered. It was our five year old's social worker. Em's Mom had changed her mind.
I pleaded with her to no avail. What should I do? I felt like I was in a wrench with out options. There was no way I could abruptly dump this child with strangers as we went on our merry way! She was as excited as the rest to see the Grandparents and other relatives. It would be cruel to suddenly leave her here. We were already behind schedule with a long drive ahead of us. I argued with the worker. She was sorry but adamant that we wait until she could come by and pick Em up. She would arrange for a temporary foster placement for two weeks. I stalled, grasping for ideas. I prayed between the lines. Finally the worker agreed to talk to the mother one more time and call me back.
I remember sitting on the stairway, head in my hands, pleading with God for guidance as I waited - and praying that Em's Mom would understand and allow her to come with us. Rarely have I wrestled with God so desperately. I felt so trapped; could see no solution. Finally John came in to see what in the world was keeping me. The kids were getting restless. Out poured the story along with helpless tears. What should we do?
Thankfully, in the end, prayers granted, we didn't have to make that impossible choice. The worker called back to say she had been able to convince Mom to let Em vacation with us as planned on the condition that we stop first at a certain parking lot where she and Em's Mom would be waiting to say goodbye. So off we went. Trauma averted. And soon we were on our way as if nothing had happened. We had a wonderful time. But to this day, almost forty years later, I cannot think of this incident without choking up. This is the first time I've written it and it is written through tears.
At ten years old, after almost seven years with our family, Em was adopted. Some might wonder why we didn't adopt her. That is a long story, but mainly it is that when you set out to adopt, I think you take a different path. We had five children of our own by the time Em was freed for adoption. We never went into foster care with the goal of adoption. Our calling was to help in the transition. After her placement we continued to care for other kids. Continued to love, then say goodbye. If they were infants we never saw them again. Some of the older ones still keep in touch. We loved them all. But not too much to part with them when the time came to say that hard goodbye.
JoMae Spoelhof
10/22/13
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This piece was prompted by today's post by Susan Gilbert-Collins: Comments We’ve Had On Adoption - October 22, 2013
http://susangilbertcollins.wordpress.com/
2 comments:
As you may have noticed I am reading your blog. I am so grateful that you were able to touch so many lives. You were the 1st home we'd ever known. Turns out you were the last as well. It was a long hard road after our stay with you but when I look back on those time I feel so safe and loved. Thank God for you and your beautiful family or I might never have known what it was all about.
I must confess that I did not want to leave your home. I wanted to stay and become one and the same...we both missed you all very much after we left.
Thank you for your love and support, even to this day. -Sarena
I can only imagine how hard that experience was for you. My nextdoor neighbor, another foster mom who had my son Jason before I did, also adopted many children which were fost/adopt placements as mine were.
We used to walk together often and pray for each other as we waited for termination of parental rights. We knew the children could still be taken away at any time. We did already love them as our own. And we would have treated them the same even if we knew it was only temporary. We both knew it might have been. And for a couple of them, even adoption turned out not to be permanent. When they get to be teens, they sometimes choose to leave before they are 18, a choice that ultimately hurts them.
Your foster children were fortunate to have someone who cared as much as you did. God bless you.
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