December 30, 2017

Melancholy Christmas


Christmas
Mourning
~
If
grief
empties 
your season
remember this: 
suffering at Christmas
serves also to remind us that 
in time, renewal follows devastation
healing happens
spring comes
new growth
New You

JoMae
12/23/17



Till Death Do Us Part

    
 ~~~Till Death Do Us Part~~~

As a couple ages, thoughts of death begin to enter the mind. One of us would likely be left behind some day. Although in decent health, we sometimes spoke of it. Quite often, actually. Yet in my heart of hearts I couldn’t go there. I could only see the impossibility of going on alone. I couldn’t imagine how I could survive—or want to—the loss of John.

We walked with Godde and knew that Divine Love and Grace would save us from despair when that day came. We lived with that trust and had experienced abundant blessing in our lives. Yet I froze in fear each time I’d try to think about it. To prepare. We were aging. John was sometimes frail.


And then it happened. John was suddenly gone. Stunned and in shock, surrounded by the love of family and friends, I soon realized I’d not fallen into some pit of despair. Christ’s Grace was there, preventing me from falling. Rather than a desperate sense of being buried alive, the loss of any will to live on, I somehow saw steps that needed to be taken. A farewell service to honor John had to be planned. One small purpose after another led me through each day. Looking back, I marvel with thanksgiving that, while Godde often pulls us out of pits, this time those Beloved hands held me from falling in.

Many, many have survived this path before me; we each have our stories. I guess my message is, don’t freeze in fear when you think about it. Christ’s Grace is sufficient and will guide you and give strength and confidence when sorrow comes. You can count on it. For that, I am eternally thankful. It is hard. I miss John, but it was like a miracle to be saved from falling apart, to land in Godde’s arms instead of in a pit.

It’s been more than seven months since John left this world. I often wonder what his new life is like. I imagine his spirit is full of joy and peace and purpose. I, too, find myself in a new world, on a new path. Everything has undergone a paradigm shift. Our home, so full of memories, is the same, yet his voice, his presence, is silent. Or I might say, his presence echoes in the silence. Even so, I am amazed to find joy and peace on this new journey, and even a fresh sense of purpose. For that, I praise Godde with thanksgiving.

We were an item, John and I, as are so many couples the world over. For almost sixty years, we wove a strong yet fragile shell around us. It was a beautiful wrap even with its many flaws. We loved and respected each other, but perhaps the most important key to our long-lived love was that we basically accepted each other the way we were.

I once found a small wall hanging that said: “I want for you what you want for you.” That rather flimsy bit of cloth hung on the wall in our room for a long time, quietly reminding us, when angry or in disagreement, of a sense of balance governing our marriage. Our unspoken goal, in spite of being two very different people, was to put the other first. We often failed in all of this, only to soon find our way back into the warm harmony of our shell.

In later years, the children long grown, our individual threads became more interwoven, threading through and around each other so that when death suddenly took John, it was as if the fabric of our wrap had been ripped apart, forcing me to scramble to mend the brokenness and weave some kind of selvedge to my life, to form some kind of healthy separation so I could continue on alone, to form from the remnants of that broken shell a new security and confidence to move ahead.

Grace has taken on new meaning for me now

JoMae Spoelhof
6/15/17

In August of 2016 this piece was published on ViewPoint, a section of the CFT (Christian Feminism Today) website. 
https://eewc.com/til-death-do-us-part/ 

A Widow's Battle


~~~A Widow’s Battle~~~

Healing from the hidden wounds of loss,  I may 
look the same, behave the way I always have
yet inside I am broken knocked off center 
stunned and out of balance. Unfamiliar 
with who I am without my other half

No longer whole,   I am spinning 
physically,emotionally,socially
what once came naturally 
now seems unfamiliar 

Even with my ‘I’m doing really well’
mask/smile in place, I’m rattled 
even with my familiar friends
I’ve lost the art of casual 
 conversation and feel
 a miss fit socially

The missing pieces of my life
have left a shocking hole
that may not show, yet 
leaves me feeling 
self conscious
stressed out
unsettled

Healing, yet forever
analyzing what is going on 
searching how to understand and 
discover how to let my soul and body 
mend, how to rebuild a self that can be 
whole again - how to fill the gaps 
John left behind with new input 
of my own - new, yet ever 
tempered by the glad 
cells we formed 
together.

JoMae
9/2/17

Acceptance Band


~~ Moving On ~~

I have taken the mantle of love we wove together
wrapped it warm around my heart, anchored forever 
marked the moment to commemorate a clear beginning
and now cheerfully step into this fresh new season
this clean page, ready to write another chapter
centered, endeavoring to be whole again 
determined to find a healthy balance
eager to discover the music of

~~~ 2018 ~~~

JoMae
12/30/17

December 29, 2017

The Mantle


Grief's mantle may never be set aside 

yet I will attempt to see its beauty

and learn to wear it graciously

honoring one worn together

subsumed now into my

Mantle of Love

JoMae
9/1/17

December 23, 2017

Facing the Darkness


Facing the Darkness

On a bleak and melancholy winter day
gloomy dark and icy cold outside 
feeling fragile, weary - missing John

I pick up Ann Weems’ Kneeling in Bethlehem
and am reminded once again to 
face the darkness

Not to run and hide but turn and
grapple with blind emptiness, for 
in the shadows one can better

See the Light

JoMae
12/20/17

-------------

Christ Jesus

Light of the World
Light of the Word
Word of Light in
A world so dark

JoMae
12/20/17

December 22, 2017

Christmas

Remembering folks the world over who are suffering this Christmas. These thoughts came while reading Leanne Friesen's The Grieving Woman and the Christmas Story - The Junia Project this afternoon.  

John's Beautiful String Tree

Christmas

We sing the joy of Christmas
sing with over flowing hearts
while others echo somber telling
of worlds in pain and ripped apart

The other side of Christmas
where a promise goes unfilled
where children starve, parents die
and life's a bleak cold winter chill

Even that first Christmas era as
the world was blessed with Christ
 many parents grieved sore losses
of their murdered baby boys

Please be present with us, Jesus
also amid life’s deepest pain, so we 
may heal; move through the darkness
renewed to find your joy again

JoMae
12/22/17

December 14, 2017

Warm Bear Hug


John Spoelhof
4/5/35 - 12/15/16

Warm Bear Hug

Remembering that warm bear hug

just inside our back door when 

you came in from shoveling 

for a hot cup of tea your

 icy cheek on mine

<><><><><>

That memory flashed across my heart

as I lay my cheek on yours

while you rested

in the coffin

waiting

So Icy Cold

JoMae
10/22/17

December 10, 2017

Christmas Prayer


The Wonder of Christmas

Holy Godde
as we anticipate Christmas and 
honor the gift of your incarnation; 
as we celebrate your presence in our lives
please fill us with joy and thanksgiving, we pray. 
May we frame our lives in the Love you modeled in 
 Christ Jesus
Amen


December 06, 2017

Hello Dear Heart

Hello Dear Heart

I'm finding light in the darkness
these days - finding gain in the loss
finding my balance after losing my core
finding the blessings while trusting for more

I'll carry your gifts from the past with me now
while I move on toward the light alone
the essence of you, melded in me
as we danced our very own tune

You showed me beauty, John 
Beauty wrapped up in love.
Weaving our lives together
Shadows were transformed.

<><><><><>

We tempered each other into more than we would otherwise become. 
Who I am and will be, reflects that long lived love we shared;  
who we were, we were because of each other - a gift that  
stays with me each day - a gift I’ll always treasure.

We two, who wove one closely knitted life, now must move on alone.  
I like to think that in that joy filled realm where you now reside, 
some of our blended essence may live on, as yours does here.  
That we may each continue to bring joy wherever we are.  

If perchance you could touch human lives in some angelic way,  
wouldn’t that be wondrous! Yet the strength I have from you, 
the strength still holding me, I gained from knowing you.  
From loving you. Love that remains and steadies me.  

We both are blessed in a million ways. 
My thanks goes on a million days.  
Praise be to Godde in whose 
Hands we both move on.

Goodbye Dear Heart

JoMae
2/2/17

Mourning Hope

Whether you are mourning the loss of a beloved life partner, a child, a parent, good health  or some other emptiness, these words are for you.  They were born out of the pain of the death of my husband, but they speak to the amazing gift of hope offered through the Grace of Godde in Christ. Grace that enables one small step after another to regain our balance in the face of an unthinkable loss.  

We are each unique and when troubled will find our solace and inspiration in different places.  My John was a gardener and woodworker and those are the areas he would turn to when sorting life out.  He could get lost in his garden or shop.  I imagine he did some of his best praying there.  Beauty emerged in many forms from those favorite spots.

My bent has always been to write.  That is my sorting out place.  I can get lost for hours reading, pondering and writing.  That is when my answers emerge, my hope for the years to come.  So when John died suddenly and I found myself with hours of quiet solitude, it was natural for me to journal my way through the loss.  To capture small discoveries I saw for the first time.  To come to grips with the finality of death.  To remember and reflect. To grieve. And in the process, to discover who I am now. For after almost 60 years of being half of a loving couple, steeped in the commeradarie of that familiar world, there is much to learn about now being on my own.  

As I write this afternoon, I’m facing the first anniversary of John’s death.  Looking back, I have learned so much.  Some of my reflections I have already shared. I hope to keep doing so.  May they be a touch stone for others dealing with loss.  Going back over the work of these past twelve months, editing and tweaking, the words become my garden, my workshop where I get lost in the joy of memory and reflection.  Rambling through these entries, I feel most close to John. That in itself is a blessing.  Here I find meaning. Order in the chaos of brokenness. Perhaps some of these pieces will help others find hope and spark healing ideas as well.  That, dear friends is my prayer. 

Trust in Godde, whose love will sustain you.  Trust what Godde has given you over the years.  Trust who you are in Christ.  Trust what you have learned, whether through failure or success, through gain or loss.  Trust the still small voice of Wisdom in a quiet moment.  Know that Godde is with you every step of the way - even when you forget. As you mourn and slowly heal from the invisible wounds of loss, be patient and know that hope will come again.  You will find meaning again. One small step at a time. Not the same as you have lost, but a new chapter. The page is blank. As you fill it, may you find joy!

JoMae
12/06/17